3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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