My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
