I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
