I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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