What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
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I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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