explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
