The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
