This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My bed smells like the plague
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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