yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
