So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
