Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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