I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize