mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
