I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
