I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it was like having sex with a tree stump
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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