I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
