just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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