i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
