despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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