I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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