piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
