You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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