So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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