We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
