you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
