I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
