...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
