I cut my penus on the lid.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
