I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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