Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
