So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
