Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
