I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there was a trapeze. enough said
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
