i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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