He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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