Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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