Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Found the puke drawer
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
