I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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