the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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