i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
