can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
