I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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