There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
