you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.