Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now