everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
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Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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