Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
