if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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