Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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