i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
