ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
