I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
