I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
