ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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