meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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