There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
