Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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