I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
